I am afraid. Very afraid.

I don't need to be a writer to have writer's block. student writer's block. I'm typing this to get words out of my head, because it's been ages since I've done so. It will first come out in convoluted chunks, and much proof reading, and rambling. This need to reconnect with the part of me that's allowed to, well, bullshit. I am tasked with a gp essay and my exam is a week later. I haven't practised. Complacency placed me in an area where I thought I could write as long as I was once able to. My friend says I have the ability to bullshit, I think I do too. Used to. So now I'm making myself write non stop such that I'll gain confidence in my 'I can write non stop' area.

The aim of this is to get out the cancellations on my exam piece, the fear of not getting the 'right' words, the perfect words, the words which will score me the A (ironically, without having to study at all, yeah right). So I now have a week. And a night to complete the two assignments I am tasked with. Here I am, in a great attempt to type non stop and get rid of my fear.

Well what fear. I think I can't think in depth these days. Literature - the study of human minds, psychology, something I loved and used to love. But nowadays, I seem to have adopted the notion that, as long as I stay structured and memorize the facts, everything will be okay. Wrong. This is not going towards the right track.

I searched "how to cure writers' block" and a person by the name of 'david (I forgot what)' said you should really type out how you feel about writing.

Now let's see.

1) I like to think, but within the time constraint, I am unable to. The nuance of the words, the complexities of the human mind

2) As I am writing this, I ask myself why I am making myself write non-stop when the beauty of thought is the process of rethinking, re-editing. (This is absolutely bullshit).

3) There is a problem with putting my thoughts into words. But before that, there is a problem with having thoughts in the first place. If given such a question in the past:

4) My inadequacies in writing. My writing style has somehow, I believe, deteriorated. This is primarily due to the expectation I hold for myself. In my head; there is an expectation to perform. Then there is the reality, the inability to meet the expectation. the gap between expectation and reality is a mere, imaginary gap. What is inability? Not being able to reach a standard. What are standards? Benchmarks set by oneself. I now look at this paragraph and think: this is so incoherent, or maybe it's as though I am thinking aloud.

Something hit me. To be coherent is to translate your thoughts onto paper, write aloud. So people can trace your thoughts. Have I not solved my problem of incoherence?

My past (or perhaps even present) problem of incoherence might stem from my fear of wanting to present only the best thoughts, thus I only say the "insightful" words. I guess some are able to put their "insight" across really succinctly, in a clear concise manner, but my brain is not structured. So I can do it another way: do the long winded explanations but at least the teachers know what I'm writing about.

Mind is too clouded with fear: three fears: first - that I HAVE to write a topic sentence that properly summarize what I (am about to say), which is against my personality because I just really like to evaluate, analyse before I come to a conclusion. Second - that my ideas HAVE to be insightful, spot on, even with the 1 second I am given to think. Third - and I am just trying to force feelings out to train myself - the fear of having grammatically imperfect (not incorrect) english that would jeopardize my marks. I think my content isn't strong enough for my desired grades.

In gp, in literature, you have to have "control" over what you write. Because you are given a limited amount of time, such that the depth, the breadth of the topic you are discussing has to be limited.

One mistake I've made, is that I try to force control even before I have lost control. After every sentence, I re-read it and think, "is this where I stop, such that I won't seem like I'm losing control?". This is restrictive, completely unproductive.

Also, i keep thinking of what others say, "you can scribble over your paper if you feel it'll make you coherent". But then I spent time planning. Then I think, "ohno I spent time planning but I'll be incoherent on my first paragraph, how!".

Another fear-driven action. Non-productive. Does not serve me. As if I do not know. The solution to get rid of this fear, is to

1) Stop thinking my english is terrible, lacks nuance. It simply comes with my acceptance for whatever word and thought that comes to my head. Nuance comes from a place of connection with your feelings. These days, I have been disconnected. Will I be able to find it back in 7 days? I might.

To feel is not to be vulnerable. To feel is to acknowledge your current emotions, and express it. Not to fear whether you have expressed it well, because noone knows what you're thinking, and whatever you write IS what you feel. Even if it's a little different from what is on your mind. That comes with practice anyway.

Then there is my fear for literature, that I do not have content. Bullshit. I can just read the book, feel the characters, and I can then naturally understand what effects the techniques bring. Does not come with "studying".

--

Don't be clouded by the fear that "I've not studied enough", just because others practised like mad to get their grades. If I put down my fear and manage to connect with my emotions again, words will come back to me. In gp essays, I can't feel for the question and end up getting stuck. Because I am unable to feel from that perspective, I am too caught up in the world of the "self", and forced attempts to bring in "society" are, as the word suggests, forced.

How do I solve this?

Put down your fear of being grammatically wrong. Even with this unconscious blabbering, there's nothing much wrong with my sentence structure. I just have to trust my instincts and write whatever comes to my head first. If there are errors, and I can kind of forsee the structure error - just continue writing the sentence and edit a word or two. Not correct the entire structure.

Be emotionally connected with whatever I'm writing. To do that, do as atticus finch says, "to walk around in others' shoes". So what if the quote is entirely wrong? The main idea is there.

You will be fine. Look what you've written. Be emotionally connected to find the nuance. Trust your instincts with english, they're fine. Then you'll naturally be able to have the freedom of thought to think, like you used to.

A few errors will not harm anyone :)

sent from blackberry

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
Are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do
And only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get
Halfway through
When will you realize... Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forget what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right

You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and
Disappear for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize... Vienna waits for you

And you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

When will you realize... Vienna waits for you

--


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Feeling kind of like, lonely, but don't feel like calling anybody up cause I don't know what to say in 10 minutes. Want to hug someone tight for say, 5 minutes, and feel all better and get back to work. And I hate studying for 'management of earthquakes, floods, volcano eruptions, mass movements'. Please don't appear on my script you prats.

Listened to my friend today, reminded me of how I feared opening up too much to others, in case they think it's laughable that I share so much when they don't actually give a damn (fear of rejection).

But today, I told myself to understand my friend's situation, found no need to reject her need to open up, and actually wanted to continue listening.

It's quite a beautiful thing if two people are able to not judge one another at all, and be able to stand in each others' shoes. Mutual respect. I always end with this, but there's honestly so much I can improve on.

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Today I felt as though she was able to assert her identity and even invited me to but I somehow couldn't; if my identity is revealed only when I'm alone or at best with one person I am close to - is that considered an identity? In the first place, why do we have to let others know "this is who I am"?

I live in my own world, a safe place where I can be whoever I want to be, go wherever my emotions take me. I can be volatile, free. Away from this world where a 'fluctuating personality' means "you are not yourself", for people like familiarity. Can this volatility be me? and if that is the case, there is no single person who will fully understand who I am - for they might have only seen a spot on the spectrum.

I can say this now, but I was so disturbed about not being able to 'let my personality show', the 'favourite part' of my personality. Interaction with people is tiring, we sometimes feel like putting forth our ideals to clearly state "this is me". Whatever for? I'm asking, whatever for, but at the same time, still finding a desire in asserting my identity.

-

On a side note, I realised: I'd rather connect with someone vulnerable. My instincts draw me to complexity like a moth to a flame. Complex people. To observe, to learn from, or to connect with.
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Today I fought hard to tell myself to not give in to escapism but did for a few hours. Stopped myself from hitting the "call number" button and was successful, for a while. Now I am up, but with eyes so dry. Someone teach me the art of being simple. I should stop reading too much into questions, it's killing me. End of ranting.

What are the reasons behind the differences between the way teachers speak to students, the way friends speak to each other, the way parents speak to their children, and the way couples speak to each other?

Is the role of an educator confined to someone generally more experienced and wise (normally older); can't two people of equal status take turns to 'educate' each other? The term 'learning' is usually used for two people of equal status. So what exactly gives one the right to be an 'educator' instead of merely being a person another can 'learn from'?

Tearing puppet strings away from me.

Your presence makes one more lonely than ever. You hear decibels, not voices. You say, speak, don't ever stop speaking, but never respond. Words themselves don't mean much?

Good night, goo gaa goo gaa. Good morning, googoogajoob, googoogajoob.

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